A Psalm For When We Feel Not Quite Enough

My weary eyes don’t leave the road.  I grip a coffee mug in one hand and the steering wheel in the other. 

My growing-too-fast-boy sits next to me, fully unaware of present-day life, completely over-taken by the fantasy world of the novel in his hand.  I wonder if I do enough as his mom to nurture him. 

My mind drifts.  I replay a conversation from the day before and reprimand myself for my response.  I mentally list the errands that must be done after school today and come up with a rhyme to remember the five things I want to add to my grocery list.  I wonder how other moms seem to hold it all together. 

My mind circles back and I remember a conversation that needs to happen as soon as I arrive at school.  My watch buzzes a reminder to pray for a struggling friend.  I whisper it to our friend, Jesus.  I wish I had more time to connect deeply with friends.

The stoplight turns red.  I pause. 

Like a whispered echo, my heart hears, “I know when you sit and when you rise… Before a word is on your tongue I know it completely.” My thoughts ease.  He already knows it all.  There is no where I can go where God is not there.  There is no thought I can have that is too big for God. 

A Paraphrased Psalm 139, for when we feel not quite enough

Lord, you know the depths of my heart and my soul, better than I know myself.

You know when I sit, in my car on the long drive to and from work, and when I rise, to run an errand, work at the house, or pace uneasily.

You perceive all my thoughts – the ones I craft and share on social media and the ones that swirl deep under the surface.  You know the fun, lighthearted whims, and the tear-filled pleas.

You keep watch as I go out into the world or lay down for rest or in defeat; you are intimately familiar with my strengths, my celebrations, my routines, my frustrations and my insecurities.

Before a word is on my tongue – or on the paper – when it is just a shadow of a thought you know it completely, whether it honors you, or not, O Lord.

I am surrounded by you in time – you are in my yesterday, my today and my tomorrow, in space – you are above me, below me and all around me.  Your hand both cradles and guides me.   

Such knowledge awes, comforts and overwhelms me….

You created me on purpose.  You molded more than just my body, but my soul – my passions and wonderings.  You designed this day and this moment and I’m in it, in this place, because You want me here.  You designed it this way.    

Know me, God, and lead me.

-Amen

Hugs and Blessings, Bethany